#it’s my mental illness and I’ll do what I want
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Inspired by that post from @/sand-jam because the way i screamed when i saw it
So what do you do when your previous abuser who took away your free will and forced you to commit horrendous actions through your own hands, and who used too look so powerful, so big and larger than life itself, is suddenly a child. When that man you once remember was always just some kid. Some kid who could’ve been different, who could’ve been a friend, family. How do you react when that child is still the one who hurt you, regardless of how much smaller he is now?
Okay actual rant here but i was gonna add some more to this but i got impatient but i WILL comeback and add those little things and post this again, or replace the images.
Sand jam’s post actually made me scream because YES i think if they acknowledge the fact that Morro is now younger than the ninja it would be a great point of development. Because one, this is still the guy who hurt you tremendously and pretty much mentally abused you first weeks on end. This is still the guy who had amazing strength, strategy, and control on both the battlefield and outside of it. This is still a man who was a threat, and is potentially an even worse one with more training over the years under his belt, even without the element. But, two, this is now also some kid who is the same/similar age as your students, one who ran away just like how he did, and someone who is no longer on the path of evil but simply wants to rest now. Someone who regrets and feels guilty but was never taught how to handle such emotions, let alone any at all. This kid in front of Lloyd and the man that is in Lloyd’s memories are still the same person, but one grew from what he once was. How do you deal with that. Why do you have to deal with that again?
Seriously the angst between them would be perfect because it would be so complicated.
PHHH NOOOO I FORGOT TO COLOUR TWH MOITH
Ill do that in the morning.
If im being perfectly honest this isn’t really morro’s new design in my style i rushed it, i���ll do a proper one soon.
To be honest i was struggling on the faces and their expressions, especially lloyds so if his face overall looks weird just ignore it.
#lego ninjago#ninjago#morro ninjago#morro wu#lloyd ninjago#ninjago lloyd#lloyd garmadon#lego emo#ninjago morro#dragons rising#ninjago dragons rising#lego ninjago dragons rising#dragons rising morro#that can be a tag now#lloyd dragons rising#dragons rising spoilers#forgot to add that tag to all my other posts#asrikal art
135 notes
·
View notes
Text
Scenes that have my heart in GF S2 / p.1
I’ve been rewatching season 2 and for some reason I haven’t given it much thought how cute some scenes are, so here is my list of some wholesome moments.
s2e1
Sonny meeting D’Jok and telling him that he will try to spend more time with him and come to his games. Also implying that he will try to accept his past, move on and be more in the present with him. I love this sm.
“And I promise, if you need me, I’ll never be far.”
s2e3
This scene after Rocket left and I came to the conclusion that Tia was around the airport because she thought she would see him around there if he were to leave somewhere. Anyway, very cute (I’m literally obsessed with them)
s2e5
The Snow Kids surprising Ahito after being treated for his illness on Akilian and him learning he could go back with them on Genesis.
s2e5
Brb, gonna go take a few napkins *sniffs*.
“I’ll always love you, Maya.”
s2e7
Mei giving D’Jok some food for thought on Rockets suspension
“You’re really great!”
“What are girlfriends for?”
s2e7
Listen, I like them as friends; even more when D’Jok tried to knock some sense into Tia that things will get better and support her after Rocket was suspended.
“Welcome back, Tia.”
“(…) just focus on the playing right? It’s all about football.”
“Sometimes…”
s2e7
Ugh, the excitement when he sees him. I get all smiley every time.
“Warren!”
s2e11
Yuki being scared to play in her first official cup match and Mark encouraging her.
“It’s okay to be scared, just don’t let it paralyse you.”
s2s11
Rocket seeing Tia for the first time since he left the Snow Kids.
This dumbass, I can make an analysis on his mentality and his selfishness after he left and how his attitude towards the whole suspension thing ruined him. But I love him so I’ll spare him the rant. For now.
“Tia…”
s2e14
Aarch convincing Dame Simbaï to take in Artegor for treatment after the Smog is gone. I can respect Aarch for managing to stay good natured towards Artegor and wanting nothing more than to drop all of this rivalry between them. The friendship is still strong to him even if it feels one sided.
“You saved me once, now I’m asking you to do the same for him. Artegor needs you.”
s2e16
I’m sorry, Artie trying to convince Tia everything is going to be alright and this robot comes to scold him and Tia lightens up, idk it’s very silly-goofy, I love it.
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
#saw this in the Naruto fandom from a super old post#had to recreate it#it’s my mental illness and i’ll do what i want#leon kennedy#leon scott kennedy#leon kennedy smut#resident evil#resident evil x reader#leon kennedy x reader#I know where to find my people#leon kennedy death island#di leon kennedy#…he’s very close to the bars of my enclosure#if you made it this far hello
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m like Johnny Truant in the tags of every goddamn post I make or reblog on this site and I’m not apologizing. If you want me to apologize come over to my house and you can talk to the minotaur about it
#House of leaves#im literally going insane these days I should go back to journaling but I’m also afraid of how far off the deep end I’ll go#Literally I am losing it and I’m being serious#I’m so fucking tired of being lonely and being left out and not being able to make connections#Sometimes I feel as if im doing things without realizing and no one is telling me about it#Other times it feels like I must have something incredibly wrong with my face or body and no one will say anything#People make plans and don’t bother to ask me if I want to join and then when I find out there’s a group chat that all my friends are in#Except me and when I asked if I could join I was given a bunch of reasons that were frankly bullshit why I couldn’t join#Are they talking shit about me? I know everybody there it’s not like I am a stranger#Am I just a stranger in this world as I unllikeable? I try my best to be nice and charitable but what am I missing?#Do I black out and say things and do things? Am I more mentally ill than I know?#The only reason (or one of the very few) why I stay alive is because of my horses because I know they would miss me and I already feel bad#Not seeing them everyday#I’m tired of being the odd one out I’m tired of being entertaining when necessary#I don’t want my only friends to be horses because it further alienates me from the rest of society and I just want to be accepted I’m not#Looking to fit in I just want connection and friendship and I can barely seem to manage that#Maybe I’m just not worth it.
27 notes
·
View notes
Text
it’s finally getting cold enough that i can bring my cardigan collection back into rotation without feeling like i’m gonna melt into a puddle the second i step outside!!!
#Seven.txt#my face#i have rematerialized back out of the void to once again make my once-in-a-blue-moon selfie & life update post#i’m running on 4 hours of restless sleep and the single banana i ate for lunch earlier today. let’s do this#hrrrrg i hate the lighting in my bathroom but i refuse to take pictures in the absolute Mental Illness Disaster Zone™️ that is my bedroom#anyways. got diagnosed with Mystery Pain Syndrome at the dentist today. so now i take ✨steroids✨#the less funny explanation is that my tooth still hurts with pressure nearly a month post-root canal and That’s Not Good#so we’re trying some new medications to see if that fixes it. and if not then who knows. root canal pt.2 the sequel. or extraction. sigh#and so the Dental Saga continues. todays visit went quite well in spite of the unforeseen mystery pain delaying the tooth-shaving plans#we had some time to kill so he managed to fill some of my other tiny cavities while i was there today so that’s good#okay moving on. what else. uhh. OH they finally came out and ran the fiber to the house last week!!! now i’m just waiting on one more-#-guy to come and finish the interior install and the long awaited fast internet will finally be mine eheheheheeeee#now i can feel my hours upon hours of unedited gameplay footage breathing down my neck :)#man i’ve got so much stuff piled up right now. i’m drowning in Tasks and it’s a lil overwhelming but i’ll handle it all! eventually#uhhhhm my current writing project is coming along well! i’ve never put so much time and effort into a oneshot before in my life#its a labor of love though and i think i’m gonna be really proud of myself (and the fic) once it’s complete#even if no one reads it bc it’s so goddamn self indulgent and kinda lowkey throws canon out the window but like. fuck it!#if i want Astarion to write a song on piano and perform it for me while mentally taking me on a trip down memory lane. then so be it#fr though i’ve never written anything quite like this and i rlly want to do it justice. even if its unrealistic i still want it to be Good#in other news i received word that one of the chickens i sponsor at my local Gentle Barn has passed away so i had a lil cry abt that#i feel so bad for his little tiny chicken wife. they obviously loved each other and it’s like. so sad when one half of an old couple dies#like. she pulled him out of his depression after his 1st wife died. now who’s gonna be there to pull Her out…#anyways let’s not get all sad about that again. in happier news my cat who i presumed died/got killed has returned home uninjured!!!#after that huge stray dog chased her into the woods i thought we’d never find or see her again#but then the morning after i started grieving her she showed back up hungry as hell yet completely unharmed like the enigma that she is#so that’s one definite highlight from earlier this month. uhh what else. rapid fire summary of the past few weeks let’s go-#Jersey turned 10! Bullet turned 10! my 6 year Veganniversary happened! i’m approaching 700 days on DuoLingo!#i’ve written more than 20 thousand words! i’ve been facing some fears! fighting my OCD! taking care of myself! (kinda!)#anyways things are far from being all sunshine and roses around here but i’m trying to focus on the good stuff for the most part#for now tho i have a headache and have reached 30 tags so it’s time to go shovel some mashed potatoes into my mouth :)
7 notes
·
View notes
Note
Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
#it’s my mental illness and I’ll do what I want#leon s kennedy#leon kennedy#leon scott kennedy#leon kennedy smut#leon kennedy x reader#resident evil#resident evil x reader#I know where to find my people#y’all are in these tags#oh and this#dead by daylight#dbd leon s kennedy#re death island#re vendetta#re6#re4r#spotify#spotify wrapped#this was suppose to be a naruto blog but LMAO#here I am
5K notes
·
View notes
Note
Hi! This might not be too helpful but I thought I'd share anyway just in case. You wrote in an ask reply tag that you realized that you are not a person who is okay but that it is alright. That reminded me so much of some of my own realisations about myself. I've come to learn that I cannot handle as much as others. Cannot take on as many tasks, as many meet ups (even friendly), or fill my day with as many things as people around me. It always felt like that meant that I was somehow less or weaker. But runninng into the same phenomenon over and over again made me question things. Also I would never think this about anyone else, this painful way of thinking was only reserved for myself. But with time I figured that maybe it was absolutely okay to have a different capacity for things. This is FINE. I'm not wrong or weak for this. Don't get me wrong, its still a daily struggle to remind myself, but it does get easier to believe.
So when I read this tag of yours I was really hoping that you meant it in a similar way, where this knowledge can bring comfort. You deserve the comfort! Wish I could hug you tightly 🫂
i love that you sent me this ask. i love that you worked (and are working) towards acceptance and respect and gentleness. you deserve that and i’m proud of you 🤍
as for myself, it’s a bit like that too, yeah
“i’m not okay but it’s fine it’s fine we move on anyway”
some days it means “i’m not okay but what the hell am i gonna do about it now except watch cartoons and try not to think until not being okay is not as prevalent and choking anymore”
some days it means “i’m not okay but i’ll try anyway, who knows what good might come of it”
some days it means “i’m not okay but in 10 minutes or an hour or tomorrow might be so i’ll put myself out there”
some days it means “i’m not okay and i haven’t been and maybe never will be and i get to mourn that, i get to be angry for all the past versions of myself who were refused help, i get to do things for them, because we are not okay and we get to be angry but still we deserve nice things”
some days it means “i’m not okay and that’s fine because there are people who will help me”
some days it means “i’m not okay and i will take a break now, i will breathe and try again later, or accept that simply cannot do this right now”
sometimes we just live with that mental limp, and some days it’s worse than others. we can’t pretend like it’s not there — what good would that bring? no, we just live with it. it’s fine, it’s fine, we move on anyway. but still we get to decide how and at what pace and in which direction we move on. it’s just the moving on part that is non-negotiable, and i feel like we deserve more credit for that — mostly from ourselves.
#i’ll go and stop trying to do my homework or work on my projects and presentations and oral exams that are coming up#they won’t let me breathe right now i don’t wanna do this anymore i can’t think i can’t access my brain#so what point is there in making myself cry when what i need to do is accept that i can’t do this today?#i don’t move on from the desperation and breathlessness and sobbin but instead move on from the thing that hurts my brain#i don’t mean to like. be mentally ill on main but goddamn 😂😂#anyway i really do love that you sent me this ask nonnie i don’t know if i’m making sense but in my defense i am crying lmao#and i want 2023 to be over i want summer to be over but i don’t want the winter either and i might actually be in some sort of crisis idk#anyway uh everyone listen to ‘looking for something’ by CASTLEBEAT. that’ll heal you
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
ough isn’t it so fucked up that objectively good things happening still manage to give me anxiety so severe it makes me physically ill and cry. Like bitch we were upset bc we were gonna lose our insurance and are broke and we got a job!!! That’s a good thing why are u even more upset and freaking out!! Be normal!!!!! 🔫 sprays self with spray bottle
#I’m like MAD abt being upset 😭 this is ridiculous can someone come kick my ass#I haven’t even started yet btw I’m still waiting to do the bloodwork and drug tests etc this week !!!! I don’t even know how it’ll be!!!#im just . I’m so scared I’ll freak out and quit again I wish my brain wasn’t….like this yk 🥲 in general#I wish things were easier#even when good things are happening and the universe is giving me what I need and wanted I’m still not happy??? wtf??? mental illness 👈????#make it make sense……#sanchoyorambles#even just looking at my cute little wishlist of things I want to buy when I’m out of debt isnt helping….pls 🫠
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
#inhales. i am so god damn unlikeable i get so fucking sad seeing everyone have their own circles of friends i want to die#i wish i wasn’t the worst person alive i wish i wasn’t so bitter and jealous but i can’t handle the loneliness honestly like being dead woul#hurt less. i feel outcast and like everyone is throwing me to the side on purpose. i feel like i’m living through a punishment#i deserve it if that’s the case... i’ve done enough wrong. that’s why i can’t be close#i have to remind myself my feelings don’t matter and me being lonely is just a monster of a person crying like he even deserves to#it’s sad lmao.#and i’m too mentally ill to ever have friends i know now. i’m too crazy and i never open up ever. what else do i expect#but it feels like anyone i know who is also mentally ill isn’t this fucking freak of nature like i am#i stick out and i leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouths and most of all. man i just. i can’t take it if this is what life is#i CANNOT bear this loneliness even slightly. i’m scared of myself. i want to stop my breathing#i still feel like i did when i was 16#trapped and receding into myself. i’ll never feel okay#how am i supposed to cope when i’m acutely aware everyone fucking hates me
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I miss praying but I literally can’t keep any thoughts in my brain for more than ten minutes this year :/
#grad school has taken up all my effort#starting a YouTube channel is taking up the remaining#after my cliff diving health has gotten rid of 90% of my energy and focus to begin with#it’s sad I’ll remember I want to pray when doing a thing then forget five minutes later as soon as I’m done#but I can’t pause and do it then or I’ll forget what I was doing#very excited to finally start the YouTube after four years of talking about it tho we’re gonna buy the pieces to#build my new computer tomorrow and then build it probs three days after#plus I got post Covid memory issues distinct from my preexisting brain fog and mental illness so like lmao fuck me
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
It’s hard for me to believe as someone who is naturally anxious, but there are actually people out there who are just ridiculously emotionally resilient. This is not to say that the above doesn’t happen, because it absolutely does and please check on your friends. That said, there comes a point where if someone says they’re fine mentally, it’s not your job to pry further or try to look for what’s “wrong.”
If you know anyone who seems really chill to the point of being virtually indestructible, like nothing could ever bother them in any way, could get hit by a train and just shake it off and be totally fine, laughing it off as soon as they've dusted themselves off and stopped bleeding, but who occasionally just randomly falls apart to complete fucking smithereens with seemingly no cause nor warning, only to get back up again a few minutes/hours/days later like "ok yeah I'm fine again that was weird lmao", and you've ever wondered what the fuck is up with that:
They are actually not ok and most likely are not ok at any point. The whole "hardiest person you know who just collapses randomly sometimes" thing isn't a deliberately constructed façade, as a matter of fact it might be something that they actually personally believe themselves to be. But in reality this is somebody who's either unintentionally learned or has been deliberately trained to hide negative emotions and mask symptoms at all costs, as the #1 priority that goes over any other survival needs.
So even though it may look like they go from 1 to 100 completely at random and unpredictably, and then swing right back again to being totally fine, you have no way of knowing how long they've been at 95% before the last line of defense broke down and the system collapsed. And once they flip back up, odds are that they just managed to scrape their shit back together again just enough to get their backup masking systems running. The "check engine" light never turned on because the wire was clipped years ago.
If this is you, this is your callout to seek some sort of help. I'm telling on everyone in this room including myself.
#mental illness is a hot topic#took me a long time and frankly took me#life experience#to learn this#personally don’t think I’ll ever understand this type of emotional resilience#just not how my brain works#I never want to do what society has tried to do to me#and try to make someone’s mind work the way I ‘think’ it’s supposed to
46K notes
·
View notes
Text
Fuck I fucking hate people
#I’m a fake hater actually#I quite like people#but also like#I genuinely want to kill myself#and I feel like I’m giving off those signs#and no one cares lmaoooo#no one actually fucking cares#which fair tbh#I think I’m ignoring some of my friends depressive signs because like what am I meant to do#I’ll tell you I love you n I’m here for you#but that’s all I can do really#would love someone to tell me they love me and they’re here for me#without me saying it first#I think I’m better than everyone else#and also the worst#mental illness core
1 note
·
View note
Note
Been thinking about you hon, missed seeing you around. Glad to have you pop up in my feed again ❤️
#thank you so much for the kind message#idk how much I’ll be on right now tbh#I’m struggling a lot#I know I say that all the time#but it’s been bad like really really fucking bad lately#today has been especially bad because of my period and my emotions and hormones or whatever being all whack#might just be my period talking and how whack my brain is right now#but I’ve been seriously thinking about admitting (committing? idk the right word) myself to some sort of hospital#I don’t know where to go or look at…. I just want to go into some hospital and be like ‘hi I’m extremely mentally ill and I need help asap’#but I don’t think it works like that#I would talk to my parents about it but I already know what they’re going to say#99.99999% sure they’re going to say something like ‘well have you been praying?’#trust me i WISH praying would magically heal me but it doesn’t#anyway I was hanging out with a friend today and we watched a show and I barely even remember what it was about#the entire time I was thinking about how to get myself into inpatient or some sort of help#also freaking out that I’m almost 26 and then I’ll be off my parents insurance and feel like it’ll be 10x harder to do anything like that#I just don’t want to live like this anymore#everyone else is growing up and doing things with their lives and I’m just the same old depressed girl with nothing to show for my life#I’ve been surviving which is good don’t get me wrong#but when I die I don’t want to be like ‘wow what a good life I really survived well’ 👍#anyway thinking about texting my sister and asking her to help me but I don’t want to be a burden or anything#lol forgot I’m probably going to get criticized for bitching in the tags so I should shut up#anyway I’m very very very unhappy#and I’m going to go eat some cereal now ✌️#ask#anon
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
my sister got engaged and we’re all really happy for her but my bitter rain cloud of a dad (who naturally she told last) is giving her a bit of passive aggressive grief about it despite her boyfriend being like the best man of our generation (presumably either because he’s not catholic or because my dad sees them as young dumb unemployed people who aren’t ready for marriage or because he’s mad he barely has any real love with his own wife or something). so like pray for us? i wish i knew what to do
#if my dad had any brain cells or observational skills whatsoever#he’d realize that in terms of our faith the problem is not the boyfriend. that guy is brilliant and open minded and would probably ace RCIA#the problem is my sister. who is catholic in name but it’s clear to me how hard she’s fallen away from the faith#but like my dad has created such a bitter home environment we never have meaningful conversations with him#so like he doesn’t know *anything* about our inner lives#all he sees is labels. all he judges people by is labels#literally you can still get married in the church to a non catholic it’s just a matter of expecting them to convert eventually#and promising to still live according to the principles of the church and raising your children as such#but my parents are absolute fools if they think that’s the issue. if my sister was true in her faith her bf would have converted already#i am sure of it. the guy is smart he just needs to be guided the right way#evidently my parents don’t realize that about him either#if my dad could become a decent parent for once and stop trying to drive his kids away from the faith by only cherrypicking the parts of it#that intersected with republican/conservative boomerisms#ugh. if he was a virtuous father she’d be a virtuous daughter and therefore all her friends and loved ones would be virtuous as well#should i blame my dad for all our family problems? no.. not rightfully……#but like. the impact a father has on one’s life cannot be understated#ugh i’ve had the sense for a while that God wants me to be the one to fix this family#because looking around it doesn’t look like anyone else is gonna do it#but that’s such a daunting task… especially alone… i don’t have any true friends (ie who share both my faith and life experiences)#and like. it’s really hard to try to assume the role of a teacher or counselor when someone is older than you#or uh. in a position of direct power over you for that matter. esp when clearly deeply mentally ill#the concept of trying to essentially parent my own parent while i myself am miserable and unstable#esp when he is the primary cause of that#just. ughhhhh it’s such a vicious circle#like i’ll do this if i have to i’ll undertake that daunting mission but i have to be so careful and really sort myself out first#or for that matter if i were to volunteer to like. catechize my sister’s boyfriend (heaven knows she couldn’t do it)#i’d have to really study my stuff bc i think the intellect is the only real appeal here#like i said tho his conversion can probably never really happen as long as my sister remains the way she is#what i know is that the first step is fixing myself. i have to be a pillar of virtue if i wanna stand as any sort of authority on the faith#problem is i suck and shouldn’t be regarded as a role model for anything. i have the knowledge down but that alone won’t fix me
1 note
·
View note